


Feliciano Got Molested

by Adiaphory



Series: It's Always Sunny in Hetalia [1]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: AU, Charlie Got Molested, Dark Humor, Human Names, Parody, it's always sunny - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-16
Updated: 2015-07-16
Packaged: 2018-05-05 23:30:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5394314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adiaphory/pseuds/Adiaphory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>These are the shenanigans the owners of the shabby Axis Powers Bar get into with all these idiots surrounding them!</p><p>Feliciano gets coerced into working with Ivan and Gilbert in an attempt to sue their gym teacher on false molestation accusations.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Feliciano Got Molested

The table clacked with the force of Ludwig smacking the newspaper down on the surface. Kiku spilled a bit of his tea on the pool table but Feliciano just smiled and continued on lining up the solid-colored billiards before hitting one over the edge of the table.

“Disgusting. Did you two read the paper?”

“No,” Kiku walked up behind Ludwig. “What was in it?”

The blonde man held the paper back up, pointing to a specific headline towards the bottom of the page. “This. The old gym teacher from our grade school is a suspected child molester.”

Kiku gasped. “Mister Roderich? No way,” he set his tea down. “I never liked him but I didn’t think he’d do _that_.”

“Feliciano!” The Italian flinched dramatically while gathering up the billiards. “Didn’t you have him, as well?”

“ _Ve_ …”

“What?”

“Well, I didn’t like it…” He dropped the colorful balls and hurried out of the room, muttering quick lines in Italian.

Kiku looked around the bar, a slight worry growing for his friend. He spotted Alfred and Matthew in the back of the room, in an old booth, sipping on their respective beers.

Alfred noisily finished his, walking to the bar and smacking it down on the counter before turning to Ludwig. Matthew scurried after him, gingerly setting down his own stein. “Dude,” Alfred stage-whispered to Ludwig. “ _Feli was molested_.”

* * *

  ** _It's Always Sunny in Hetalia_**

_Feliciano Got Molested_

* * *

Feliciano hurried down the street and around random corners, trying to get to his destination as fast as he could. He stopped at a door, knocking frantically until it slid open. He faced a naked Gilbert, damp and barely covered in a tiny towel around his slender waist.

“Come on, _hehehe_ …”

Feliciano stared at him, noting how the man took up almost the entire doorway by standing in the center of it. “No. You move and _then_ I’ll come in.”

“Just step around me,” The albino teased.

“NO.” They shared serious looks and the Prussian soon moved aside to let in the Italian. “ _Grazie_.”

They entered the dusty apartment, full of weird yard-sale knick-knacks and stuff you’d find at a distant aunt’s house. Feliciano sat on the patched-up couch, his weight stirring up dust and causing a coughing fit. Gilbert sat down across from him, knees wide open, causing the younger man to stare at random patterns on the ceiling and high walls.

“Where is Ivan?” he asked, knowing the two men to be very close roommates. Questionably close.

“He’s drying off, we just got out of the shower.”

“Oh, okay—wait, did you say ‘ _we_ ’?”

Gilbert stared right through Feliciano’s soul. “I said he.” The Italian gulped and turned to look at an old framed picture on the wall of Ivan and Gilbert from high school, still creepy as ever. Ivan stepped into the small, crowded room in briefs and a scarf covering his shame.

“Oh, company,” he said soullessly. He grabbed some RAID and sprayed himself and the cabinets. “So I take it you’ve seen the paper.”

“Yes!” He jumped up, for once not cowering behind Ludwig. “You can’t do this!”

Gilbert laughed. “We already did, dumb tomato.”

“It’s a lie! Mr. Roderich never molested you! He never touched any of us!”

Ivan smiled and pulled some holey pants on. “That may be true but he was a dick and we hated him.”

In an instant Gilbert was sitting beside Feliciano, his damp skin leaving watery spots on the brunette’s jeans. It was clammy and cold and very uncomfortable. “Think of it, Feli. We can get so much money from a settlement! Priests and uncles are so yesterday! But molested by a teacher? Just awesome! An awesome plan by an awesome man!” He motioned to himself.

Before he could protest, Ivan placed a heavy hand on the Italian’s shoulder. “And don’t try fighting this.” A shiver ran down his spine. “We’ll tell them it was all your idea.”

“But it—”

_It was one year ago at the bar: Axis Powers. Feliciano ran it with his partners, Kiku and Ludwig. It was another drunken night for the Italian and he found himself drinking rounds with Ivan and Gilbert, pounding back shots and acting like friends despite the mutual dislike of one another._

_“We should,” Feliciano hiccupped, “we should totally sue him! Say he moles…” another hiccup, “…molested us! I always hated that man! He always made me clean with the push-broom for being late to gym!”_

Feliciano gulped hard. Oh yeah, it actually _was_ all his idea. “B-but I was drunk when I said that! I didn’t mean it!”

“You’re a co-conspirator,” Ivan smiled. “Come on, we have work to do.”

* * *

 “Guys, I think we’re jumping to conclusions here.”

“Matt! It’s so obvious he was raped!”

“Molested.”

“What _ever._ ”

It had been an hour since Feliciano dashed out of the bar, but Alfred was still there with his brother, trying to convince Ludwig and Kiku that their friend had to have been diddled. He placed a thoughtful hand to his chin, deep-fried in thought.

“We will need to ask him about it, before we jump to any conclusions,” Ludwig stated. “Feliciano will clear this up—”

“Dude, the last thing we need is for Feli to know we know! It’ll traumatize him!”

Kiku sighed. “And what if we assume he was molested when he wasn’t? Wouldn’t that hurt him as much?” Alfred blinked at him.

“Look, guys, I got this! You all stay here and let me, the hero, take care of things!” And in a flash the blonde idiot was out of the bar and scheming a plan to “help Feli.” Matthew grimaced, knowing this couldn’t end well.

Kiku rubbed the back of his head, asking, “I’m sorry, but who are you again?”

“I’m Matthew…”

* * *

 The bushes wavered as Alfred and Francis stalked Feliciano from around a corner. Alfred knew only one person could keep up to speed with him when it came to stalking Feli: his good friend, Francis! Always up for stalking and creeping on others in general. Francis was pretty _sexually-predatory_ , so who better to help the great hero figure out their friend?

“How weird, is he close with Ivan and Gilbert?”

“No, why?”

“Well, he just left their house.”

They watched intently as Feliciano walked away, looking twitchy as ever. After another hour of stalking they grew bored and headed back to Axis Powers. They decided the best plan was to throw a coming out party for Feliciano! Coming out and admitting he’s a victim of molestation as a child, that is.

At the bar gathered Ludwig, Kiku, Matthew, Francis, and the hero, Alfred. “Alright, dudes, we need to figure a few things out!”

“I really do not think he was—”

“Shut up, Kiku, I’m not done!” The Japanese man quieted down, somewhat annoyed by the loud American.

“One, who else did he molest? And _why_?”

Francis chuckled. “He’s a pedophile, why else?”

“No, I mean _why Feli?_ ” He pulled his smart phone out of his pilot jacket. “I mean, _look_ , I have pictures…”

Ludwig’s eyes softened. “ _Oh mein gott_ , he got you too?” Everyone was ready to throw affection Alfred’s way when they saw it: on his phone he pulled up a picture… of himself, alone, as a child.

“I mean, what did this perv get off on? Look at this little guy, he was cute, right?”

Everyone deadpanned. The atmosphere suddenly became painfully stuffy. “You have serious issues,” Matthew whispered.

Turning to leave, Francis called out, “No one worry, I have the perfect plan to help Feliciano!” With that, he was gone, leaving the men in a stunned silence.

* * *

 Kiku knew this was a horrible idea, but he couldn’t do anything but hold his tongue as he waited in Lovino’s living room with their other friends. Something sketched him out about the presence of Ivan and Gilbert, who exchanged many quick and sneaky looks. They had to be up to something.

The front door opened and they could hear the echo of Feliciano’s voice as he entered the front hall. “Lovino? You said you needed help with something?” He walked to the doorway, freezing when he saw the room full of friends and family.

Lovino was sitting on the couch with Antonio and Heracles. He stood up, beckoning his brother to come in. “Come, brother. We need to talk to you about something important.”

Lovino, being worried and not insulting to his little brother? This was not good, not at all. Even worse, Ivan and his idiot roommate Gilbert were standing in the back of the room, near Kiku and Ludwig. Hell, even Alfred and his brother (what was his name?) were there with Arthur, Francis, and Yao…

His brother walked toward him with something behind his back. “I don’t really know how these things are supposed to go, but…”

His pulse quickened with adrenalin as his brother held out the tiny doll. “We understand there’s been some… _abuse_ …”

“Lovino, you don’t understand—” He caught the eyes of Ivan, feeling as if the man could kill him with just one look. It was horrifying.

“Please, _fratello_ … Just… show us where that bastard touched you.” He held the doll out in a shaky hand and Feliciano looked around the room, taking in the mass ridicule he was about to receive. Lovino gulped. “Do I need to… turn it over?” Then he gently turned the doll over on his hand, laying it on its stomach.

Another glare from Ivan was enough convincing for Feliciano to slowly raise his hand, muttering to himself. He couldn’t bear to make eye-contact with anyone as he touched the doll, but he could infer from the gasps that they were shocked.

* * *

 Alfred rang the doorbell anxiously, fixing his shorts up to show off more of his toned thighs. The door creaked open, Roderich sighing in relief when he only saw the blonde man at the door.

“Come in,” he said politely.

They sat on a couch in a sun-room, Roderich quickly shutting the music book he left open at the piano. “It is so good to get a visit from someone who isn’t accusing me of molesting children,” he said. “I never touched anyone and these bastards are here trying to ruin my life for a quick buck!”

“Yeah,” Alfred agreed, adjusting his legs. “Truly despicable. Hey, coach?”

“What?”

“Speaking of gym, do you ever get a pull in your muscle? Right here?” He placed his hand on his inner thigh.

“I really wouldn’t—”

“Here, touch it,” Alfred grabbed Roderich’s hand and placed it on his leg. Roderich pulled back with lightning speed.

“What the hell are you doing?!”

Batting his big, blue eyes, he asked innocently, “What do you _want_ me to do?”

The Austrian’s eyes twitched and he picked up the young man by the scruff, throwing him out of the house.

* * *

  _“Io davvero odio bastardi.”_

“What was that?”

“Nothing, Ivan!” Feliciano was fuming. First, he gets coerced into framing his old gym teacher and ruining his life, and now everyone he knew thought he was diddled as a child.

Things couldn’t get worse.

Now he was stuck with those idiots as they drove to the police station to officially report Feliciano’s molestation, something they said they needed to take Roderich to court.

They slowly pulled into the parking lot of the police station. Feliciano held his breath, following his captors into the big building. They already set up a meeting, and a cop greeted them in a waiting area, asking if they had information to give up. Gilbert immediately shoved Feliciano forward, saying, “Feli here has some very interesting information on the Coach Roderich molestation case!”

Feliciano glared at him, following the cop into the next room.

* * *

“YOU NEED HELP,” Matthew quietly yelled at his brother, who came back to Axis Powers in booty shorts and random scratches from being thrown.

“But this is good news!” Alfred cried. Ludwig ducked behind the bar, trying to make himself look too busy to be included in the blonde’s nonsense. “You remember Feli when he was a kid! He always got really worked up and his face went red! Sometimes pedophiles go for the more _manly_ boys and, obviously dude, me and Feli were _waaaay_ too cute for Coach!”

“What about Ivan and Gilbert?” Kiku asked.

“Dude, those kids had mustaches in third grade, I’m sure Coach went to town on them.”

* * *

 Feliciano came back to the waiting area, followed by the same cop. Ivan smiled, “How did it go?”

“Great, _grazie_. I just ratted you two _bastardos_ out.” He stomped out of the sanctum as Ivan and Gilbert faced an enraged cop.

The young man continued his angry path back to the bar, walking in mid-argument. Everyone stopped and looked at him, as if afraid of hurting him. “Oh for pasta’s sake! I wasn’t molested!” He stomped back to the stock room, gathering up a box of random alcohol bottles.

“Are you okay?” Ludwig asked, standing behind him as he gathered more beer and liquor.

“Oh, I’m just swell. All my friends think I was molested and my life is basically ruined.”

“Oh.”

“I’m going to go drink and cry myself to sleep now.”

The Italian stormed out of the stock room, going into another room (an office) and locked himself in. The sound of glass being smashed was the only noise they could hear before violent lines of Italian was screamed.

Alfred turned back to the group with a smug grin. “See, dudes! We totally cured him!”

Matthew coughed. “Of what?”

“Uh…”


End file.
